The following exercise (adapted from ‘Feelings First’ by Dr John Gray) can help you detect layers of feelings that are present with respect to some ‘hot’ issue for you in your relationship. Though Gray calls it ‘The Love Letter’ it may seem anything but! It’s a process of peeling away the nastier layer of feelings that often prevent us experiencing our caring, compassionate self ‘buried’ underneath, the more tender, forgiving self that we probably prefer to be.
The process can be used in minutes as a ‘quick fix’ or you can take some hours or days to work with it.
[Read more…] about letting grudges go
exercises
Becoming a mature, autonomous adult is a lot about taking responsibility for our feelings, and as a first step we need to get clearer about what our feelings are. This is a good tool. Start a diary, write in it these sentence stems, be as honest as you can and just see what emerges. A diary is a fantastic place to have a heart-to-heart conversation with yourself, a great chance to get burdens off your chest. And where the sentence or sentiment is addressed to another person, pick whoever seems appropriate. The sentence stems are adapted from Nathaniel Branden’s ‘If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say’.
Allowing Others To See Me
If I were willing to be vulnerable I might tell you…
If I weren’t afraid of being condemned I might tell you…
If I weren’t so scared I might tell you…
CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is all the rage these days. Here is a pretty useful CBT exercise for those of us over-identified with our ‘thinking part’.
The Daily Mood Log (© David Burns, ‘Feeling Good Handbook’, 1989) comprises a four-step approach to tackling distorted thoughts – which we often don’t even realize are distorted until we get some external feedback or do something like this exercise.
Get some paper out and try it next time you’re feeling a bit low or stressed.
I’ve adapted David Burns’ original format slightly.
Step One: Record the Upsetting Event in between about 10 and 25 words.
Step Two: Record your Current Emotions and rate them from 0 (the least) to 100 (the most).
Examples of Emotions are: sad, guilty, lonely, gloomy, miserable, cheerless, unhappy, hopeless, dismal, sullen, despondent, melancholic, angry, annoyed, irritated, livid, furious, enraged, resentful, outraged, cross, irate, frustrated, afraid, fearful, anxious, scared, terrified, helpless, nervous, worried, alarmed, frightened, embarrassed, mortified.
Step Three: Record your Upsetting Thoughts and then next to each of them write the Distortion contained in the Thought together with a more positive and realistic Counter-Thought.
The Upsetting Thoughts and the Distortions will probably be habitual and even feel ‘automatic’, whereas the Counter-Thoughts may be less familiar: be creative and give yourself some lovingkindness through this process!
Examples of Distortions are:
‘All or Nothing’ (thinking in absolute black and white categories).
Overgeneralisation (one setback makes you think in terms of never-ending defeat).
Negative mental filter (dwell on the downside instead of exploring the upside).
Dismissing yourself (insisting your qualities and achievements don’t count).
Assumptions (taking it for granted that other people are reacting badly to you, even though you can’t possibly know for sure).
Fortune telling (pessimism, even though none of us knows the future).
Magnification (blowing things out of proportion).
Minimisation (inappropriately dismissing the importance of people, things and events).
Inappropriate reliance on your feelings (I feel like an idiot so I must be one; I don’t feel like doing this so I’ll put it off).
Inappropriate reliance on the word ‘should’ (taking your internal Critic too seriously).
Labelling the person instead of their action (calling yourself a ‘loser’ instead of acknowledging you ‘made a mistake’).
Blaming (usually simplistic and leads nowhere!)
Step Four: Reflect on your Counter-Thoughts. Try and make them believable to you, such that you can take them on board, literally breathe a sigh of relief, and think to yourself ‘Actually I’m not a bad person’ or ‘The world isn’t a wholly bad place’ or some such, more realistic view. The breath of relief is important. Take your time over this. Then consider your relationship to your original Upsetting Thoughts, and make a note how you experience yourself:
· No better.
· Slightly better.
· Somewhat better.
· Quite a lot better.
· Much better.
Repeat dose as often as required!
Caring behaviours are the life blood of a relationship. They are those small, frequent acts of sensitivity, kindness and caring that let our partner know that she or he is important to us. They range from a warm greeting on return home, to a phone call during the day, to special gifts and cards at birthdays and anniversaries, to a back rub or a foot rub for a tired partner. They are signs that we matter and that our relationship is important.
A lessening of caring behaviours is often a sign that the relationship is under stress or that negative feelings are accumulating and grudges are being held. Often partners wait for good feelings to return before continuing caring behaviours. However, these good feelings are frequently elicited only by experiencing such caring behaviours. Therefore, to improve a relationship, it is important to take the initiative in offering acts of caring and kindness. It is important that each partner take responsibility for offering caring behaviours rather than waiting to see what his partner is going to do, in a tit-for-tat fashion. The following exercise is an important one to sustain a loving, nurturing relationship. Practice it whether or not you at present feel committed to your relationship. The only way you can make an intelligent decision about staying or leaving is to see how you feel after such positive acts of caring have been taking place.
EXERCISE: Make a list of 12 or more behaviours that your partner does, could do or that you wish he/she would do that help you to feel more loved, important, special. Think carefully of your wish list. It is a list of small present or potential sources of pleasure in your life. Make the list specific, e.g. not “I want you to be more considerate” but “I would like you to carry the groceries out of the car and stay and help me to put them away when I have been shopping”. Or “When I come home from work I would like 20 minutes to be left alone to unwind and read the mail”. Be as specific as you can. You can add to the list later as you think of other caring behaviours, but for now write at least 12. These are some examples from other people:
“I feel cared about when you…”
“…give me a massage or bath (not only as a prelude to sex)”.
“…shampoo my hair”.
“…ask me about my work or how I’m feeling or how my day went”.
“…plan an evening out instead of me planning it”.
“…kiss me goodbye in the morning”.
“…hold my hand in the movies”.
“…put your arm around my shoulder or your hand on the back of my neck”.
“…rub my head or play with my hair”.
“…do one of ‘my’ chores (e.g. make dinner, wash the dishes, mow the lawn)”.
“…exercise with me”.
“…are nice to my parents/friends”.
“…call during the day or if you are going to be late”.
“…give me love notes”.
“…bring me flowers”.
“…snuggle with me in the morning before we get up”.
You can include special circumstances, e.g.
“When I am sick, I love it when you…”.
“When I am tired…”.
“When I am worried…”.
“When I am afraid…”.
“When I am unhappy…”.
“For celebrations…”.
Then exchange lists with your partner. Read each other’s list carefully and clarify any confusion you may have as to what is being requested.
Feel free to add any caring behaviour your partner has listed to your own list, if it is something you too would find pleasurable.
Post your partner’s list somewhere you’ll see it every morning, e.g. bathroom mirror, dresser, fridge. For the next week, make a point of expressing your caring in at least 3 actions daily that your partner has requested.
Each evening, review both lists, mark the caring behaviours you noticed that your partner offered and the date, thank your partner, and if there are caring behaviours you’ve offered that your partner didn’t notice or mark, gently call attention to them.
Continue to offer caring behaviours and to acknowledge with appreciation those you receive. We all need to feel appreciated and we all want to receive pleasure. Take responsibility for noting or requesting those things that make your life happier, and don’t expect mind-reading. Caring behaviours nurture a relationship and create an atmosphere in which tenderness and love can thrive.
