Becoming a mature, autonomous adult is a lot about taking responsibility for our feelings, and as a first step we need to get clearer about what our feelings are. This is a good tool. Start a diary, write in it these sentence stems, be as honest as you can and just see what emerges. A diary is a fantastic place to have a heart-to-heart conversation with yourself, a great chance to get burdens off your chest. And where the sentence or sentiment is addressed to another person, pick whoever seems appropriate. The sentence stems are adapted from Nathaniel Branden’s ‘If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say’.
Allowing Others To See Me
If I were willing to be vulnerable I might tell you…
If I weren’t afraid of being condemned I might tell you…
If I weren’t so scared I might tell you…
If I didn’t feel I always have to be strong I might tell you…
If I knew you wouldn’t laugh at me I might tell you…
If the child in me could speak s/he might say…
If I was willing to let myself be embarrassed I might tell you…
I can’t possibly tell you…
One of the ways I protect myself is…
If I knew no-one would ever find out I would…
If I didn’t have to worry about my image…
If I could show you my hurt…
If I felt free to SHOUT I might…
If I were willing to share vulnerably I…
A Perspective On My Life
Ever since I was a child…
All my life…
One of the things I had to do to survive was…
I can remember…
One of the things I’m afraid I might remember is…
A Perspective On Growing Up
One of the ways I keep myself a child is…
The hard thing about being an adult…
The good thing about being a child is…
The bad thing about growing up is…
‘Grown up’ means…
Mother
My mother was always…
With my mother I often felt…
My mother often seemed to expect…
What I needed from my mother and didn’t get was…
One of my mother’s ways of nurturing me was to…
My mother never…
My mother made me feel…
My mother thought of me as…
When my mother was angry with me she would…
If I had felt free to be angry with my mother…
When my mother touched or held me I felt…
Mother’s Influence
My mother often gave me the feeling that I…
My mother always saw me as…
If my mother could see me now…
My mother gave me a view of men as…
From my mother I learned that crying was…
My mother gave me the sense that an intimate relationship with a partner was…
What my mother taught me about sex was…
I’m still trying to win my mother’s approval by…
My mother gave me the sense that my body was…
One of the ways I’m like my mother is…
My mother gave me a view of women as…
From my mother I learned that anger…
The message I got from my mother about life was…
How I mother myself is…
Father
My father was always…
With my father I often felt…
My father often seemed to expect…
What I needed from my father and didn’t get was…
One of my father’s ways of nurturing me was to…
If my father saw me being successful…
If my father saw me failing…
My father never…
My father made me feel…
My father thought of me as…
When my father was angry with me he would…
If I had felt free to express anger towards my father…
When my father touched or held me I felt…
Father’s Influence
My father often gave me the feeling that I…
My father always saw me as…
If my father could see me now…
My father gave me a view of men as…
From my father I learned that crying was…
My father gave me the sense that an intimate relationship with a partner was…
What I learned from my father about sex was…
I’m still trying to win my father’s approval by…
My father gave me the sense that my body was…
One of the ways I’m like my father is…
My father gave me a view of women as…
From my father I learned that anger…
The message I got from my father about life was…
How I father myself is…
My Wants And Needs
If I were willing to admit my unmet needs I might tell you…
One of the things I find it hard to admit I want is…
What I need and have never received from a man is…
What I need and have never received from a woman is…
If I were willing to share what I want I might say…
Acceptance
If I could accept my own body…
A hard thing about accepting my body is…
What’s difficult about accepting my sexuality is…
What’s difficult about being a man is…
What’s difficult about being a woman is…
The hard thing about being an adult is…
Feelings
I easily become frustrated when…
I tend to blame others when…
I usually take the blame when…
I blame myself for…
When I get angry I usually…
When I get angry it’s usually when…
What concerns me about my anger is…
When you get angry I notice that you…
I’m still angry inside because…
What concerns me about your anger is…
I’m disappointed that you…
I’m furious that you…
I’m irritated that you…
When I feel hurt I usually…
Crying, to me, is…
I would feel ok crying if…
One of the ways I hide my hurt is…
You can tell I’m hurt when…
Hurt feelings still inside me are from…
You hurt me when…
I notice you are hurt when…
What I need when I’m hurt is for you to…
When I’m afraid I usually…
You can tell I’m feeling threatened when I…
Becoming vulnerable and showing fear, for me, is…
One of the ways I hide my fear is…
I feel anxious or afraid when…
One of the things I really fearful of is…
The scariest thing I’ve ever experienced is…
When I feel sad I tend to…
I still feel sad that…
A big loss in my life was…
I still need to finish grieving…
A time when I felt helpless is when…
I feel ashamed that…
I still feel guilty that…
I become depressed when…
Conclusion
What I’ve learned is…
I’m becoming aware that…
A way I want to change now is…
I now understand…
An important issue I want to resolve, soon, is…
What I want now is…
What I deserve is…
One of the things I’m thankful for is…
I appreciate…
I love…
I am…
